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#1
03-09-2007, 06:55 PM
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Argue, but dont fight
Argue, but dont fight
DISAGREEMENTS ARE A PART OF ALL RELATIONSHIPS. BUT DO YOUR ARGUMENTS TEND TO GET UGLY? WELL, HERE'S A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE ON HOW YOU CAN PREVENT THIS FROM HAPPENING Step 1 You've noticed a pattern and you know that each time you both disagree over an issue, it tends to escalate into fights. Don't bring the topic up during one of the sessions. Instead, make a mental note to talk to your partner when you both are calm and rested. Step 2 This will require a bit of homework. Think back and prepare a list (yes, you could actually take a pen and paper so that you remember later) of those top five issues, statements, conditions or attitudes that make you instantly lose your cool and act as triggers or psychological buttons. Step 3 When with your partner, you need to openly share these with him/ her and explain why these five buttons just trigger you off. But it's about both of you, so take your turn to listen to your partner's list of button-pushing issues and ask them to explain why they are so. This will give you both a chance to open up and accept your shortcomings and make each other aware of what might irritate you both. Step 4 Now you both need to come to a verbal agreement of sorts where you both promise to try and avoid using these hotbutton issues. This will show commitment and initiative and help you both calm down. However, you should both understand and accept that there will be times when you may infuriate each other by pushing each other's triggers. Step 5 When anger takes over, we often tend to forget our limits and end up using words we shouldn't or don't mean. Therefore, it's suggested that you both agree upon vocabulary to use when either of you is overtaken by anger or intensity. For example, you may both agree to not use certain abusive words. What you can also do is agree to remind each other that the situation is going out-of-hand and that you both need a break. You could try using statements like, "Hey, we are off track," or "We are both pushing the wrong buttons". Step 6 At this point consider taking a break. Take five minutes to write a list of the current issues or verbalise the top three reasons why this relationship is important to both of you. Bond and reminisce over old memories. But make sure you don't get sarcastic at any point. Step 7 When discussing important issues where the chances of arguments are higher, try using "I" statements. Say, "I feel angry and ignored when I am...." or "I feel sad and disappointed when I am...." as this will emphasise the point that you are not holding your partner responsible for anything but just stating your mind. Step 8 Steer clear of all "you" statements. When you say "you" to your partner in the heat of disagreement, your partner may hear, "You ignorant, stupid #x!*+%&/." Step 9 You also need to discuss individual feelings about the situation that started this specific disagreement. Listen to your partner. This is not the time for an in-depth review of all historic sins originating from the dawn of your relationship. Stick to the point and do not accuse. Step 10 Prevent future disagreements by answering this question: "OK, what can we both agree to do differently the next time this situation comes up?" This will make you both feel like you're bound to make things work better and will add to the whole situation a team spirit. For after all, that's what you are - a team. 
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